You are watching: I know exactly how you feel
When someone tells you “I recognize exactly how you feel,” it can seem like a nice, empathetic gesture. However before, from a psychological point of watch, it’s not always the ideal alternative. The reality is that you can’t totally understand what another person is going with. Consequently, it’s always better simply to listen and also let them know they have actually your assistance.
One of the factors why this response is problematic is because you often don’t also recognize or understand also specifically what it is you’re feeling. So once someone nearly casually throws out that they understand precisely what you’re going with, it’s not really proper. Most world aren’t therapists nor psychology experts.
You’re a lot of most likely to endure this through those that are closest to you. Paleas usage this phrase all the moment to talk to their youngsters. Telling a boy “I understand just how you feel” often gets in the method of them informing you exactly what they’re going via in their own words.
You need to never forobtain that eincredibly huguy being is unique and resides in their very own universe. Their world can be chaotic, with planets hurtling eexceptionally which way and little babsence holes that no one else deserve to check out.
“Be that you are and also say what you feel, bereason those who mind don’t matter, and also those who matter don’t mind.”
When world say “I understand exactly how you feel,” they regularly don’t
Most of us fall right into the negative halittle of assuming points rather of actually asking. We carry out that bereason it needs less cognitive initiative and also helps us conserve time. It’s a lot simpler to assume you know something based on the indevelopment you already have actually.
For example, let’s say a coworker tells you that she had a negative day with her partner. You’re probably inclined to say “I recognize just exactly how you feel.” That provides you feel like you’re being empathetic and connecting via your coworker. But you actually aren’t. We tend to foracquire that one more person’s emotional frame will certainly never be the very same as our very own.
What’s more, in these kinds of situations, saying “I know just how you feel” isn’t actually extremely empathetic. Instead of acknowledging the various other person’s feelings and also validating them, you’re simply validating your own. And that isn’t very valuable.
We’re naturally inclined to affix through others, but we don’t constantly know just how to
Throughout their study for a University of Virginia examine, Drs. Lane Beckes and James A. Coan found somepoint incredibly exciting. The humale brain has actually a series of neural fads exclusively dedicated to making relations through various other human being. We frequently have such a solid connection via others that we have the right to actually feel their suffering.
That being sassist, feeling what the various other perboy feels doesn’t constantly enable us to fully comprehfinish someone else’s reality. A mom can endure for her child without discovering what’s happening to them. A friend can feel your pain without knowledge exactly what you’re going via. That’s why it’s so essential to know just how to affix in an correct and also respectful method.
What’s the ideal method to attach via someone who’s having actually a hard time?
Whether it’s a kid, a teenager, your finest frifinish, or a stranger, try to stop resorting to “I recognize exactly how you feel.” In reality, you shouldn’t assume that two people that are going through the same situation are necessarily suffering the same emovements.
Here’s an example. Drs. Klaus R. Scherer and also Agnes Moors from the College of Geneva did an exciting experiment. They asked 3000 adults the very same question: just how would you feel if you heard 2 friends talking bad around you?
Surprisingly, researchers identified approximately 14 various types of emotional responses to that prompt. Some people said they would certainly be angry. Others would be embarrassed and disappointed. Some felt guilty, others said they would feel lonely, and some also said they would feel indifferent because anyone who would certainly talk behind their backs ssuggest couldn’t be a frifinish anymore.
Given the wide selection of feasible emotional responses to this basic scenario, “I understand how you feel” seems less and less appropriate. But what other kinds of responses are there? Well, the many vital thing is to recognize exactly how to really listen. Then, remember that certain phrases and also words deserve to make the various other perkid put up walls.Avoid saying things such as “That’s nopoint,” “I’ve been tbelow, you’re overreacting,” “This always happens to you,” “You need to emphasis on something else,” etc.Instead of saying “I recognize just how you feel,” say “Tell me how you feel.”
Sometimes, a basic “I’m below for you” is the finest response. At the finish of the day, the goal is to be existing and easily accessible. You want to develop a feeling of safety and security and intimacy wright here nopoint is assumed and also no one is passing judgment on anyone else or anyone’s feelings.It could interemainder you...
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Klaus R., y Scherer, AM (2019) El proceso de la emoción: evaluación de eventos y diferenciación de componentes. Revisión anual de psicología 70: 1